Presumptions and the Ignorant

[Buddy]

When I was a child, my family could only afford one car, which my father drove to work every day, including weekends, when he worked a second job. Thus, we had to rely on the city bus a lot, and more often, we walked. Years later, I remember an instance when a friend of my mother's drove past us as we were struggling to carry home bags  of groceries. When a traffic light caused them to stop, the friend's little girl, who was sitting in the passenger's seat, asked her if they should offer us a lift. I will never forget t he mother's words: "No, honey, they like to walk." 
Since ending up in this wheelchair, I'm reminded of that a lot. Transferring out of this chair is most always not an option; I rely on sponge baths, hospital showers, and adult diapers a lot. For some reason, there are people in my life who make the stupid assumption that this is the way I choose to live. I often remind myself that it'd be wrong to wish them to gain a better understanding by rolling a mile in my wheels, but whenever I have to deal with that kind of ignorance, I must admit, I think about it. It's kind of hard to remember to count my blessings when I'm surrounded by people who only measure me by what I can't do.
My sister has actually said to m, on more than one occasion: "At least you get to sit down."

I'm curious: what are the most ignorant/insensitive things said or done to you?

[Durzo]

I'll never understand people's ignorance; I could swear that 95% of them make dead-certain assertions & assumptions, but are too stupid to analyse the facts that led to those beliefs beyond a vague, general impression of the situation.

But you're absolutely justified and should feel no guilt about wishing they could go a mile in your wheels. I'm not saying that kind of thinking is good for you - letting your thoughts lead to anger, resentment and revenge is just self-destructive - but there's some people I've also at times wished would get my wrecked spine, with all the pain and debilitation. Let them see how much the life is sucked out of them, how far beyond the limits of their emotional threshold you get pushed after years upon years of it, how extremely far they'd really have to push their mental & physical limits just to endure a shopping trip. Then you can talk sh*t to me and blame me for all the problems that come of it.

The problem is that they really don't come anywhere close to grasping that the phrase "Walk a mile in my shoes" applies about a thousand times more when it comes to life-altering disabilities.

I've lost all my friends now, friends that I'd had for 18 years since I was a kid, because of the built up anger, resentment and contempt toward me for "choosing" this "lifestyle". Every year the disks in my spine degenerate more, and every physical activity is a test of pain-endurance; doubly hard because doing it with people means I have to pretend I'm fine.


My "friends" of 18 years, in the last few years, were constantly yelling at me for being too "lazy" to run physical errands, or go to school, or hold a job. The reality is that a lot of the time I couldn't run errands because I'm in so much agony I'm barely holding it together, and I knew walking one block would make me collapse with back spasms. I tried school and work countless times, only to face the same issue. But after years and years of hearing about pain, that was suddenly invalid just because they're fed up with it, and suddenly pain was just my "excuse" to get out of having to do anything.

Then after years of being on high-doses of opiate painkillers - which basically enabled me to get around but still always in terrible pain - they suddenly demand that I'm just an addict and pain is an excuse to "get high" (you don't get high on them when you're in chronic pain and taking a steady dose). So the first 2 made the ultimatum that we weren't friends anymore unless I let them flush my whole prescription - suddenly cutting off 160mg/day of oxycodone and going into massive opiate withdrawal while in incredible pain - and the second I mentioned something about pain he screams "No! You don't get to use that excuse any more!" -- like it's magically not an issue any more just because he's fed up with it.


Sorry if I went on too long about myself - I'll just stop there since it could go on forever - but I just wanted to say that you're not alone and even if the world of sanctimonious non-cripples are ignorant, indifferent and even vicious.... I'm here for you, I at least understand better than most, and I'll be the last person to TELL you what's what with your disability and the effects it has on your whole life.

I only wish the majority of people understood the old adage "The wise man knows he is ignorant". It doesn't mean he is ignorant per se, it means that wisdom isn't knowing everything and having all the answers, it's knowing how to figure out what you don't know, and never assuming that what you do know is the final end-all answer.

[Buddy]

Durzo, thank you so much for your response; it really helps me feel not so alone in my frustrations.

[Eino]

You are responsible for every feeling you have. If you feel inferior to someone else, it is because of your own beliefs.
How you react to other people's thoughts of you and what you are doing is your personal choice.

Myself I ignore the ignorant people that cause issues, They are usually just temporary in my life anyway.