I have a very fragile but narcissistic friend who calls me daily, and there are a few things I really want to say to him, but I don't want to hurt him (most of the time). so I just want to say them here:
- It's not in my nature to interrupt people, because I hate to be interrupted, too. But I interrupt you sometimes just because hearing my own voice reaffirms that I didn't die listening to you. Really, why does it take you two hours to share the plot of a 30-minute sitcom that you didn't even enjoy?
- It's customary to begin a conversation with "Hi, how are you?", not to immediately launch into a dialogue about how your boss looked at you cross-eyed, or didn't acknowledge the time you spent figuring out which side of the paper clip goes on top.
- Will you stop explaining to me how your nieces and nephews have brothers and sisters who aren't your nieces or nephews? Obviously, your brothers and sisters have had sex with more than one person. I get it, I'm over 12.
- My days are filled with boredom, and yet, I still have better things to do with my time than listen to you. Does that tell you anything?
- The last time we spoke, you spent twenty minutes recounting your trouble with someone in customer service. Then you ended your monologue with the words, "I'm so angry, I can't talk." So why the $#%&! did you call?