Disabilities-R-Us

Have you ever felt so alone, pushed beyond your limits, built up so much stress over such a long time that you just need to scream and smash, cry on someone's shoulder, or be reassured by someone that you won't be left to deal all alone?

I always prefer to figure out my problems alone - since going to people or professionals has never yielded results - but yesterday when I felt so desperate as to make another futile attempt at seeing a walk-in doctor yesterday, I started describing the intolerable pain and it's consequences and made it 2 sentences in before I was caught by surprise by a sudden outburst of crying. I hate letting anyone see me like that, but 2 sentences in and I just started balling my eyes out uncontrollably and couldn't stop. Of course this doctor was still, as expected, utterly useless and sent me on my way without even attempting a solution.

I don't have anyone in my life to even just hang out with and feel like life is worth living, if only for the warmth of human interaction. 

Our medical system (British Columbia, Canada) has gotten so bad that everyone disabled or in pain is just screwed.... maybe more so on my end, but I don't know why. I lost my family doctor a year ago and it's literally impossible to find a new one; and if you don't have a family GP, forget about any services.

I just want one medical professional to listen, to actually act like they care at all, to make any effort to help. My psychiatrist is a bastard who treats me with utter contempt, indifference, and won't communicate with me if I try to have a real conversation; just gives short, snappy answers and makes it more than clear that his answer to everything is "shut up, I don't want to hear it. Here's a standard Rx now go away". He even wrote an obscene array or "facts" in my record that twisted my words in some cases, and out-right lied in others.

No doctor will take me as my family GP, and every walk-in doctor - no matter how articulately and passionately I convey the seriousness of the matter - just brushes me off and basically gives me "tough, deal with it".
The whole reason I'm off the opiate painkillers now, after 7.5 years on them, is because the last doctor screwed up his record keeping and thought I'd illegally "scored drugs" from another doctor. I returned to him with total, incontrovertible proof along with letters from the pharmacy and the other dr that it was just a mistake, and his petty little ego couldn't admit it was a mistake so he just screamed at me, said I'm banned from seeing him, and set up my records so I'm barred from future prescriptions. At least having some kind of painkillers gave me hope of moving my life forward, but now it seems I'm just doomed.

The neurosurgeon who was going to fix my neck - I already invested $1,600 in that - just blew me off 2 months ago and refuses to take my call or provide an answer as to why. 

I've literally seen every walk-in doctor in town now, and they won't do anything, not even a specialist referral. They don't care one little bit and it's left me with impotent rage that continuously builds into despair.

I don't even have a friend to talk to, and I can't imagine a romantic relationship will ever be possible as I am. Do you suppose social workers can actually help with this sort of situation?

This whole (medical) system is nothing but a front; a way for the government to pretend they offer services while really it's all smoke and mirrors.
I simply can't bare this all by myself any more. I want to be strong and capable, but most of the time now I'm just trying not to start crying. But when and if I finally need to just do it - end my life - they'll simply scratch me off the list of patients they don't want to deal with; problem solved. I truly think that's their agenda.

I'm so tired of carrying it alone.... and now I find myself in tears again.

Fire your psychiatrist, or he should be fired.
The psychiatrist should there for support and not as a judge. and knows when to talk, when to stay quiet and listen, and when to inject some positive opinions and possible other strategies or behaviors. 
If a psychiatrist in the Untied States did what you say, he, or she would not have any clients.

[quote="Eino"]
Fire your psychiatrist, or he should be fired.
The psychiatrist should there for support and not as a judge. and knows when to talk, when to stay quiet and listen, and when to inject some positive opinions and possible other strategies or behaviors. 
If a psychiatrist in the Untied States did what you say, he, or she would not have any clients.
[/quote]

Thanks for replying Eino; I obviously made my OP too long for most people to want to read, but it's really hard to summarize such a complicated issue in a short couple paragraphs.

You're probably right that his practice would have fallen apart in the US; that's the gift-and-curse paradigm of socialized medicine. On one hand people like me (or both of us?) living on the practically welfare wages of disability can still get a psychiatrist that would otherwise be impossibly unaffordable. On the other, everybody's forced to use one of the extremely few psychiatrists available, who's held to a very low standard of quality because they (the government) can't afford to dismiss him amidst a chronic & eternal doctor shortage.

The most infuriating thing is that he treats me so badly (I could tell you some truly shocking stories), yet controls most of my meds, and every other doctor says they'll only take over doing my prescriptions if I go to the psychiatrist's office and authorize them to release my medical records from him. So now all potential future medical treatment is contingent on the records of a guy who whipped-off the first 95% of it after our first 10 minute interview (I got a hold of & read it), and it's riddled with mortally-damaging "diagnoses" and quotes from vaguely listening to only the first sentence of anything I said and twisting it beyond all recognition... not to mention his ridiculous ignorance of medical science. Mind you this is all different from the reports of every other psychiatrist and doctor I've seen (which is a lot).

Here's one good example though:

Because I was on opiate painkillers, on our first visit he asked me "Do you buy narcotics illegally? Have you ever abused them to get high?" and I said "No.... oh wait, well I guess there was one time a couple years ago when I was in an employment skills training program. I was recently off my painkillers just because my doctor had retired and I was still trying to find a new one. When I tried getting through the first day of the program it was hell - there was no way I could endure that kind of pain and keep going - so I was talking to my friend on the phone that night and he said 'well, I know somebody who can get you the same meds until you can find a new doctor, just give me the money'. So I agreed and gave him the money and he set me up for 5 days until I could get them properly by prescription again. But definitely no issues with abuse; in fact I only took them in the morning before classes started"

So what did he write in my file? Literally - and this is seriously it, everything he wrote on the subject - "Patient says he buys narcotics off the street, but isn't an addict". And that line is more than half the basis for how he treats me today.

Durzo,

First, I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner, I've been offline a while. Second, I am so sorry about the treatment you're getting. It sounds like a nightmare. My heart truly goes out to you.

I'am really sorry about your treatment, But always look for something positive, It maybe hard to see but it's there. 

Always remember people that treat you badly, are always temporary in your life.

I truly feel for the way you are being treated.  Support of the group has gotten me through a few rough days but I understand that is no help with the actual pain you are feeling.  I know that it feels unbearable but talking does help you to take the mind off it for a bit.  Speaking as a Canadian I can understand the problem with doctors but it is a temporary problem... It took a few years but I now have a great team put together.  I hope you have the same luck...
Please remember that there are people that care about you even if we never meet and please please don't hurt yourself as that is a permanent response to a temporary problem.
Stay positive!

If your psychiatrist is making you feel worse and is not supportive, find a new one! I have been dealing with a few of them through the years and they have all been good!

A friend of mine recently had to deal with one and it was a poor psyche. and she had to file a complaint.

You have worth, you have value, and you are important to the community.