Disabilities-R-Us

Created by and for people with physical disabilities.

Days Of Our Disabled Lives: Relationships

Jan 13, 1999

This is an archival transcript of one of our past meetings. We don't have scheduled topical meetings anymore, but we're not opposed to the idea of bringing them back if someone is willing to commit to hosting them on a "long term" basis.

Participants already present:
  disabled
  ChanServ ([email protected])
  Lily
  Lonewolf
  Mooooooo ([email protected])
  deadheadf
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Lonewolf: ok are e ready to begin?
Mooooooo: yep
Lily: yes
T_J: yes
Lonewolf: Being disabled effects everything we do, who we are and how we handle our lives.
Lonewolf: When the disability is present most of our lives, we often enter into relationships
Lonewolf: with all the problems out front so to speak.
Lonewolf: For discussion's sake, let's divide our relationships into 3 groups: a: family
Lonewolf: b: friends c: mates
cher: 3
Lonewolf: 1. If your disability has been present for most of your life:
Lonewolf: Has it effected your family life?
Lonewolf: What has the effect been on friendships-harder to make friends?
Lonewolf: Have you been able to find a mate or does your disability prevent this?
Lonewolf:
Lonewolf: Let's start at the beginning
Lonewolf: Those of you that have had a disability for life
Lonewolf: how has it effected your family life
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cher: over protection
Lonewolf: parents?
cher: yes
MsAmazin: I was treated just as my brothers were
wacky: parents are a joke if u a dis kid
Lonewolf: has it effected your adult life?
wacky: i was treated diff
wacky: well yea
MsAmazin: not so wacky..some folks are able to deal with it better than others
Lonewolf: I agree
T_J: Not mine, they have supported me totally
deadheadf: no different 3 are disabled and 3 are not
cher: it has affected my adult life because i am hesitant about letting my emotions show
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Lonewolf: carly I kno this is a good topic for you-have a comment on this?
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MsAmazin: my Dad was very on hard on me to make me more independent..looking back it was a good thing
Lonewolf: did you resent it at the time?
MsAmazin: absolutely :)
wacky: am speaking from my experience Ms one set of parents tried to kill me cuz of it and other set figured they would ignore it the Disability word was forbidden in both houses
Lonewolf: cher are you saying they increased your dependcy
wacky: my step mom was may savior
T_J: If it wasn´t for my mother I wouldn´t have been were I am today.
Lonewolf: how so T_J?
HelloKit: i would say the way it has affected my family life most is that they would tend to use the basic help i needed as blackmail material - if you aren't nice to your brother, we're not going to help you get dressed, eat, etc.
deadheadf: my family looks to me as a roll model...first to grad from university and hold good job....sometime hard to be roll model
Lonewolf: that's cruel
Lonewolf: yes it is carrie
wacky: Very
Lily: true
Lonewolf: daniel?
T_J: She kept on searching for a way to make me better, after I was made brain-injred and trained me, although nobody else did, and my father helped
wacky: i found i had to challenge my father in order to bne just any kid
Lonewolf: so we are seeing both sides
Lonewolf: T_J that is wonderful
Lonewolf: Daniel?????
T_J: Yes.
Mooooooo: yes?
Lonewolf: you have a life long disability
Lonewolf: comments?
wacky: we all do now
Mooooooo: it was hard
Lily: yup:))
Mooooooo: still is
T_J: When I was 4½ we began travelling to the U.S to an Institute there.
Mooooooo: but i do it anyway
Lonewolf: that is great
cher: its kind of like i feel inferior, i feel as if i dont meet their expectations, when i worked for many yrs, married , had a child, divorced........ my brother on the other hand seems to do no wrong even tho he is div with 3 kids, has gone bankrupt, cant keep his head above water.... i have never asked my parents for anything, and the only time he comes around is when he wants money.
Lonewolf: do you all thinkit has been harder to make and maintain friendships?
Lonewolf: esp during school years
Lily: the born disabled ppl??
Lonewolf: yes
T_J: Definitely
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wacky: there is one thing both disabilities tuaght me..... NOTHING WORTH HAVING EVER COMES EASILY
T_J: Was injured when I was one
cher: yes i felt like part of the woodwork
MsAmazin: heh...I was the only disabled in the school district...everyone wanted to meet me :)
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deadheadf: all my friends were disabled...went to segrigated schools
Lonewolf: isolated?
Lonewolf: do you think that helped carrie?
wacky: i had an easy time till 4th grade but 5 -8 were hell
T_J: Don´t have do much disabled friend irl
HelloKit: yes and no - in school there were two groups, the kids who wanted nothing to do with you, and the kids who thought you were cool and wanted to be your best friend, just because of the disability
T_J: Went to an ordinary school the whole time
MsAmazin: I didn't have any disabled friend...till I met Ty
HelloKit: both are insulting in different ways
Lonewolf: Carly brought up a good point
wacky: I tried to pass as much as i could
T_J: I don´t agree hellokit
MsAmazin: Carly...that is so sad
Lonewolf: sometimes kids want to be your friend because they think it is a cool thing to do
wacky: to hide the dis
anny1: i have had a hard time making friends ,but the ppl who will be friends to disabled are generally the ones worth having, others fade fast
deadheadf: yes......I learned that things could be worse...physically...but I was lucky cause with so many brothers and sisters....there was alway none disabled kids at home...best of both worlds I guess
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Lonewolf: yes
T_J: Those being my friend didn´t care about my disability, they were friends just because I was myself
Lonewolf: now what about mates?
T_J: Good point anny, though not all are
Lonewolf: born with disability-finding a mate
wacky: Depends if the know the rule abt mates not being a caregiver
HelloKit: i had a couple true friends in school who are still friends to this day... the rest of them, as soon as more disabled kids arrived in the school system, it wasn't so cool anymore
Lonewolf: sad
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Lonewolf: how hard is it to find a true romantic relationship
Lonewolf: when you were born disabled
T_J: I have still contact with a few, but then again some has let me down too
wacky: hard but not impossibl
Lily: i cant speak yet??
Lonewolf: not yet dear
Lily: ok:)
Lonewolf: next question lil
deadheadf: I have only dated disabled guys.....I don't no...I think its easier cause there is a certain understanding when you can't do certain things...I think were more excepting
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wacky: harder when born or early dis judi
T_J: Got a few relationship (girlfriends)
Lonewolf: I'm sure it is bri
MsAmazin: I'm dating my first disabled guy....
T_J: It´s much harder to get one, I think
Lonewolf: do you look for disabled mates?
anny1: i feel incredably lucky as i have a wonderful, intellegent hubby who happens to be non-disabled
wacky: ppl think u defective
T_J: No
Mooooooo: i only dated one non-disabled person
wacky: hey I date who i like dis or not
T_J: Doesn´t matter, I go on my feelings
Lonewolf: I know Carly is engaged
MsAmazin: I was never around the disabled....
Lonewolf: Daniel is involved
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Lonewolf: Ms is involved
MsAmazin: I'm engaged :)
Lonewolf: congrat
MsAmazin: thanks :)
wacky: but i felt strange around other gimp growing up
T_J: Nice =)
Lonewolf: anny are you disabled from birth?
wacky: in my fam. disability was a foul word
anny1: yes
wacky: Any is amc same as mooo
anny1: amc
Lonewolf: ok
anny1: meet hibby throught dating service
T_J: But I was more insecure when younger, found myself more now =)
anny1: hubby
Lonewolf: so it looks like you are the only one with a non disabled husband
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Lonewolf: how so T_J
Lonewolf: security with maturity
T_J: I´m more self-confident now
Lonewolf: ok
Lonewolf: 2. If your disability came on later in life:
Lonewolf: Has it changed your relationship with family, if so, how?
Lonewolf: Are your friends fair weather friends or the lasting type or did you make
Lonewolf: new friends or do you have any friends?
Lonewolf: If single, same question as in #1. If married, what difference hs it made?
Lonewolf: Lily?
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wacky: same as before judi one family caused second dis other said I was lucky i had a ramp
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deadheadf: my disability has gotten worse with time....my family has been more supportive....
wacky: Dis was still a dirty word
Amadeo: i's nhorrible for me...they treat like some fragile treasure like a fabrege egg and mom dotes, I think she's ignoring my siblings
In: my dis came 2 yrs. after I was married
Lily: well, everything has changed, yes
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Lonewolf: great carrie
In: it brought my hubby & I closer, even though we were always close
Lonewolf: Rav-I'm sure u feel smoothered
Lily: some friends, and my husband, never accepted it
Lonewolf: good marilyn
Amadeo: my friends abandoned me for the most part...my lover left me...
Lonewolf: Lily has a story to tell and has asked for a few moments
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Lily: in, i opposite, my husband has abused me
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Amadeo: it's horrible Judi, I feel annoyance and shame'
Lonewolf: Rav I'm so sorry
Amadeo: :)
In: I am so sorry lily
wacky: Did i miss alis story?
Lonewolf: no
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Amadeo: shoot him
Lonewolf: Rav you shouldn't feel that way
wacky: judi pste wht i mssed
Amadeo: yea well...
wacky: in p/c
Amadeo: i'll hoot him
In: u don't deserve that, no1 does
In: sorry I will be quiet
Amadeo: i can't tolerate spoucal abuse
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wacky: i dont either
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Lonewolf: no In that's fine
In: thx
Lonewolf: wacky youdidn't miss anything
wacky: okie
Lonewolf: Lily go ahead hon
wacky: thanx
Lonewolf: ali?
wacky: ali?
Amadeo: Princes Ali
In: we r here 4 u lily
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Lonewolf: ok maybe lil needs some time
Lonewolf: Dony
Driveshaf: ya
Lily: he wont accept my dis., says it all in my head, and im crazy
Lonewolf: did your disability effect your family?
Lily: he wont change, so i'll leave him
Lily: i will not be abused any longer
Lily: end:))
Lily: i have found someone who loves me for who i am
Amadeo: yu go gurl!
wacky: [Lily PING reply]: 33 seconds
wacky: -
Lily: i lagged
Lonewolf: ok
DaniG: U didn't need that other jerk, huh?
Amadeo: change servers
Amadeo: ibb
In: well then lily go 4 the happiness, u deserve it
Lily: k
Lonewolf: her family does not accept her being disabled
Lily: yes
T_J: Lily: What dis do you have?
Lily: but my wacky does
Lonewolf: what about ur kids?
In: my brother & mother were like that
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wacky: yes hun i do
Lonewolf: with you In?
Lily: i had brain tumor, tj
T_J: Ok
deadheadf: family is not always blood relatives....but the people who always make you feel loved and at home
Lonewolf: and a stroke
wacky: i accept who u are and what u are
Lily: and then surgery, then stroke
Lonewolf: absolutely carrie
Lonewolf: Dony?
Lily: true, carrie
Amadeo: hugh V. is an insensitive self-centered baboon imo
Driveshaf: yup
Lily: lol, raven
eve: where was your family when they did the surgery? and when you were in the hospital?
Lonewolf: didn't your dis end your marriage?
Driveshaf: yes
In: yes they did not accept me being disabled & being so independant, they thought I should depend on ppl but I never will as long as I can help it, they have finally realize that now
Lonewolf: I am drawing you out because you and Lily had similiar experiences
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Lily: eve, they came when it fit there schedule
wacky: I found that becoming dis is easier fore ppl to accept as if I was normal at some point
Lonewolf: Lily Dony has been there
Lily: o, ic
DaniG: I hate how the 1st think people meet is the wheelchair
Lonewolf: he is divorced now
eve: they saw proof how can they deny that?
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Lonewolf: Dony is shy
Lonewolf: I became disabled
Amadeo: i think it's mortality slap in the face danig
Secrets: DanG, don't you think that you can change them only seeing the wheelchair first?
anny1: i find that very initeresting wacky
In: I agree with u Dani
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wacky: is true anny
Lonewolf: my family is usually supportive
Lily: no, eve, they dont deny it happened, but think that its all better now
Lonewolf: I asked Cindy to come to presentthe family side of the picture
Lonewolf: Cindy
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Amadeo: they see the wheels or whatevr and realize subconciously that it COULD be them
wacky: if i just tell ppl abt SCI the treat me as if i have a brain if i mention CP The talk real S l o w l y
Lonewolf: could you tell what the able bodied family side is
TJ: <---T_J
Lily: lol
eve: they probably deny other things too in your family lily
CindyB: Well I think we are pretty much like everyone else
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CindyB: My husband goes to work everyday
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CindyB: I stay at home and take care of the house and kids
DaniG: When I meet someone online I let them get to know me before I tell them I'm paralyzed
CindyB: I have food ready when he gets home
CindyB: we all get along great
Lonewolf: I meant in regard to having an increasingly dependent mother
T_J: They don´t to me
CindyB: lol....you are wonderful and no trouble at all. That's my point dear
T_J: wacky
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Amadeo: actually danny, i'm the oposit, my life is an open book...take it or leave it
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Lonewolf: ok not getting what I wanted here
DaniG: Hey wacky, I'm C6-7 too
wacky: ur lucky tj
Secrets: Judi, can I help?
In: what is wrong judi
Lonewolf: sure debi
anny1: i interview ppl over the phone before thay meet me in person it is interesting to see the looks on their faces when they realize thay have been talking to person in this body
Lonewolf: understand anny
Secrets: my family life is not normal, but we cope and adjust with what is necessary
DaniG: who are U talking to wacky?
Lonewolf: it is hard sometimes I think for family to see you in a diff light
Secrets: we feel to go day by day, but there are two children who do not want to acknowledge either mine or our daughter's disability
Lonewolf: that is diff debi
Secrets: it's hard for one son and daughter
Lonewolf: are they resentful
eve: my family is very supportive
Secrets: it was easier for them to be too busy to take me places, than have to bother with me taking the wheelchair or scooter
T_J: wacky: Maybe it´s different between our countries
eve: and my husband is also supporrtive
Secrets: i wouldnt say resentful, I would say, they just do not know what to do
Lonewolf: I think the difference is mor with attitudes T_J
T_J: Or.. you met the wrong kind of people. There are always such
Lonewolf: IC Debi
Secrets: they are convinced we love Mandy more and give her more, but the others do not feel that way
CindyB: It is hard for me to say, I honestly don't see things any different than they were 3 years ago when you were on your feet and driving. I know they are different because of the shape you've gotten into and the pain you have 24/7 and you become pretty much fully dependent, but I'm biased and see you the way you were 3 years ago. I'm sure your 2 sons and daughter could do better.
wacky: my sister was jelous , cause parents used the word special
T_J: Can be LW
In: I think some people think cause u have a disability, u cannot think or talk 4 uself, I know when we r at a store 4 ex. the clerk will talk 2 my hubby, not me, I tell them that it is my legs that don't work not my mouth it works just fine, sometimes 2 fine:)
CindyB: I don't want to admit you are sick
Lonewolf: bingo
Secrets: you got it!
CindyB: pheew
Lonewolf: sometimes family does not want to admit you are sick
anny1: happens to me too in very agrivating
Secrets: i like to stand from my wheelchair sometimes and say, 'could we pelase have this confersation?" gt;
Lonewolf: yes
Amadeo: or can't walk anymore...
Lonewolf: true
wacky: i use humor to detour ppl
Lonewolf: esp I think with kids
Amadeo: my mom is confient that 'll get up one day and trapse to the mall
Secrets: my husband is extremely supportive and often tells the sales clerk he doesnt know how to buy a bra lol
CindyB: I know LW feels the same, she seems to get very neglected at times and is expected to do more from certain people than what she can, such as child sitting
eve: sometimes they do not want to admitt because they cannot fix it
Lonewolf: parents are supposed to stay strong
In: lol Debi
Amadeo: i agree eve
Lonewolf: yes Cindy
Lonewolf: and it hurts to say no
CindyB: true
Lonewolf: mates
Lonewolf: Rav do you think your lover left because of your dis?
deadheadf: my older sister had it harder than me...we had the same dis...she broke my family in for me and my little brother....she had a harder time dealing with limitations
eve: people need to be more honest in the way they communicate
Amadeo: definitely
Lily: rotten
Amadeo: i bet
Secrets: i have found a way to be is with humor. It seems that people enjoy a smile, and they see me more like a person, and not a disability...
Lonewolf: not easy for everyone though Debi
MsAmazin: I agree Secrets :)
T_J: deadhead: What kind of dis?
eve: i have found that telling them how i feel helps
deadheadf: something like SMA
Lily: i found a nw mate
Amadeo: yea well...done & over with...gotta focus on my future, not my past.......
Secrets: i agree. I push myself sometimes. Watch comedies, watch OLD comedies, I have to laugh to keep myself up. Anyone else like that?
eve: i have sma
Amadeo: oh yes..i love to haha
T_J: Always good to have a laugh
Lonewolf: I work
In: true
MsAmazin: I was born a happy person...I'll die a happy person
Lonewolf: when I get down I get possessed with tasks
CindyB: I have a hard time expressing my true feelings with people, I never want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them mad. If I had a disability, I'd probably let everyone walk all over me.
Amadeo: god4u
Amadeo: good
Amadeo: lol
wacky: no i mean i use humor when i meet ppl like if they stare at legs when shaking my hand I say ull pardon me if I DONT get up?
deadheadf: I joke all the time.....I'm a smart [email protected]#!!!!!
T_J: But I don´t nessesary have to use homour to be accepted, just am who I am
eve: it all depends on what your selfimage is
Lonewolf: expand on that eve
CindyB: good one Bri
eve: you project what you freel about yourself
CindyB: I'm backwards...lol
Secrets: people dont like to see me serious. I have had to accept that the last week or so...
T_J: If one is joking all the time (or most of it) people won´t ever take you seriously
eve: if you feel good about yourself it helps with your relationships
Lily: i still have problem reading print her
wacky: u learn how to use it TJ
Lily: i still have problem reading print here
Amadeo: authorotarian sec
Amadeo: ?
Lily: i better go
Lonewolf: sorry Lil
Lonewolf: ok dear
T_J: wacky: I know how to use it. I´m rather good at it too
T_J: =)
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Secrets: lily, whats the matter?
Lonewolf: helen ere u disabled when you got married
Lonewolf: she has perceptual problems debi
wacky: :) TJ
haa: yes
Lonewolf: when print moves fast she can't read it
Lonewolf: is MM with you?
haa: yep
Lonewolf: ok fernando
Lonewolf: what attracted you to helen?
haa: what did I do now? :)
Lonewolf: lol
CindyB: ouch! lol
Lonewolf: did her disability concern you?
haa: her slim attractive figure, but mostly her personality
Lonewolf: so her dis didn't bother you?
wacky: Helen stop dictating lol
Kark: LOL
haa: I also was very attracted to older women
anny1: lol
T_J: =)
Lonewolf: 3. Because you are disabled, do you feel like you should be cared for or do you feel
Lonewolf: you should try harder to sustain a relationship?
Kark: Its funny this comes up today
* Secrets doesnt think either...
Lonewolf: translated into ear of being left alone
Lonewolf: hy Karen
wacky: um I care fore my own needs
Amadeo: my phil.: Don't look for love, let it come to u
eve: we think you have to work harder on keeping a relationship together
In: same here wacky
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deadheadf: I think I try harder to be more indepentent
Amadeo: of course, I beleive in predestinattion t
eve: but the relationship is by nature deeper as a result and more intense
Secrets: if the relationship is already solid, you need to keep a prospective...
anny1: have to try to make equal as possible partnership
In: I do the same dead
haa: I feel it should be no different
haa: brb, potty break
Kark: I was in a store today and a woman in a wheelchair with am oxygen tub was bying a valentine card
DaniG: I just finally got a settlement today. Court was scheduled for Tuesday.
Kark: tube
Kark: I teared up
eve: it's harder from outside influinces interfering
Lonewolf: yes Karen wud me too
Kark: not because of her as much for me too
Secrets: i think when you are on the other side of the track (disABLED) then you can see through the others with more compassion,,,ex,,Karks experience
Lonewolf: ok eve gonna have to explain that one
T_J: Well, the partner must understand me, but not take care of me, sure, help is good, but she won´t have to feel like she is only helping
Lily: can i say one thing, then i'll leave, format too confusing, im brain damaged and is too varied and fast
Lonewolf: ok
wacky: ppl think I live in nursing home that i helpless
anny1: i don't gett it karen
Lily: i have met the most wonderful person here......
CindyB: there are people in Nursing Homes that aren't helpless
eve: more stress from outdside more economic stress, more stress from illness
Lonewolf: go ahead alison
Kark: I have become fearful of trusting that anyone will be able to stat with me when so many normal people have problem
Lonewolf: never thought of that Karen
Lonewolf: Lil?
Amadeo: definition of normal please...anyone
Lily: o, for petes sake guys
eve: a disabled person has to be very realistic about their relationships
T_J: Lily: is it better if we slow down?
Lonewolf: yes true-what ali?
Lily: let a person FINISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In: that is truek Amadeo, what is normal?????
anny1: yes i agree eve
Amadeo: i think the lag-dragon has her
In: true
deadheadf: a secretly screwed up person= normal
Kark: Well my definition was without physical/mental disability
Lily: yes, tj, or not interupt
Lonewolf: ok everyone give lil a second
wacky: no she slow typer
Kark: sorry
CindyB: well the typing is going at bit fast too
Lily: thx:))
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Lily: i met wacky here, and he understands my needs, and wants to fill them
Kark: Thats sweet
Kark: I am tearing again
wacky: well i dont understand em all hun
wacky: but am willing to learn
Lily: but you try so hard
Lily: yes, thats the point
Lonewolf: that's what counts
wacky: of course I love you
T_J: Nobody can do more than that wacky
Lonewolf: 4. Is your caregiver a family member or a friend or a mate and if so, is he/she treated
Lonewolf: fairly?
* anny1 feels that warm glow of love in room
* Lonewolf passes out tissues
Woz: k
wacky: mine is friend treated real fair
Lonewolf: but yours is paid, right?
wacky: yup
wacky: and he dis too
Lonewolf: ok
T_J: Mine are family
Lonewolf: I think caregivers need some time off
Kark: I do sometimes take my frustration on my mom
Lonewolf: esp if family
wacky: lily says it hard to see where I end and he begins
eve: we share everything so adam gets a fair deal
deadheadf: the person that helps me out is not family.....I don't like having to depend on my family...that have there own lives and so do I
anny1: hubby is understanding and helpful
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wacky: or who helps who
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T_J: Kark: No one can expect a disabled person to be nice all the time, we´re just as everybody else
Lonewolf: my husband loves me and cares for me
eve: i think disabled couples are closer
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Lily: it very symbiotic relationship between wacky and steve
* Mooooooo will be back in 10 minutes
herbie45: hi
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Lonewolf: but I recognize the fact that he occ needs time away
herbie45: what's going on here?
anny1: we have clear lines of who's chores are who's
Kark: Thanks TJ
wacky: steve asked 4 mon off i gave it
Lily: a meeting, herbie
Lonewolf: herbie this is a meeting on relationships
herbie45: Lily, am I intruding?
In: I do not agree with u fully on that eve
Lonewolf: go ahead In
T_J: =)'
herbie45: relationships? huh, no one around here wants to know who I really am, cause they see my disability before anything else.
In: my hubby is not disabled & we r very close
Lonewolf: no herbie-join in
Lily: no, herbie, yor very welcome
eve: how in?
herbie45: Thanks Lilly and lonewolf
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Lonewolf: I feel guilt over being an increasing burden
wacky: i treat steve to lunchg a lot
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haa: I agree with In
Lonewolf: debi do you ever feel that?
Kaz: Has anyone got Parry Rombergs Syndrome here? Its quite rare.
eve: in i think communications is the key
In: my hubby does not treat me any differant cause I have a dis. we r equals
Lonewolf: no Kaz
wacky: i dont allow my lover to be my caregiver
In: that is true eve
eve: in i appreciate what you arte saying
deadheadf: I think that it depends on how much help you need....as my disablilty gets worse...I don't want so much help from my family cause I don't want my problems to overwhelm them...so I look for outside people to help
herbie45: In, were you disabled before you met your husband?
T_J: I think when a able-bodied gets into a relationship with a disabled, there is more real feelings, than two able-bodied
anny1: ppl look funny at my hubby when he forgets to open door for me
In: no I was not
Lonewolf: I can't afford outside help I'm afraid family is it
eve: both of us did not know we were disabled when we first met
Kaz: Thanks for your reply lone wolf
herbie45: In, I was asking because I wonder how people who have disabilities get into relationships with people who do not have them.
In: 2 yrs after we got married, I offered him a divorce when I was diag. with ms & ended up in a wc
Kark: I have seen too much and I have been in several relationships that it ended up mattering
Lonewolf: good question herbie
herbie45: Lonewolf, that's what I can't figure out.
anny1: dating service herbie is how i met my hubby
Lonewolf: maybe haa could anser that or annie
wacky: well herbie first i say hello........
Lily: well, i met wacky on the net, and he couldve been a cat for all i knew
eve: we met through penfriends
herbie45: See, most guys when they see me, they think I can't cook clean or have sex cause I have a cane.
In: but he said that he loved me 4 who I am the dis did not make a differance in our relationship
herbie45: they don't want to get to know me past that.
Kark: MEOW
herbie45: hello wacky
* Lonewolf passes more tissues
Lily: that great in
suze: has anyone here been involved w/able bodied since they became disabled?
Lonewolf: it is difficult I'm sure
Kaz: Anyone here got Schleroderma?
Lonewolf: no kaz
T_J: I have
Lonewolf: oh sorry
Lily: mine treats me like a mindless child
Kark: I mhave never dated a disabled person
MsAmazin: I've had several relationships with non disabled
wacky: YES sue i have
herbie45: There aren't any disabled people around for me to get into a relationship with.
T_J: that is had a relationship with an able bodied
Lonewolf: Kaz this is your first meeting-we follow question lines only
wacky: Ali first gimp i have been intimate w/
herbie45: However, getting into a relationship does not mean I have the ability to be the caregiver.
deadheadf: herbie you are so right....I have had none disabled friends get the strangest looks on there faces when I take about sex....
Lonewolf: my husband has no choice about being caregiver
Kaz: T-J which kind ?? Progressive or diffused or localised?
Kark: I dated someone for 7yrs who didn't have a disability
Kaz: oh sorry first time here
Lonewolf: iz ok
* anny1 crutch is also named herbie
Kaz: not too sure what is happening?
herbie45: deadheadf, I've met a few nice guys (so they seem) on the net and as soon as they know I have a disability, they run
Lonewolf: 5. Are you loved because of who you are inside or because of obligation
herbie45: Herbie is the name of my retired racing greyhound, who's also been trained as my service dog.
Kark: Kaz Wensday is the only night we follow the list
*** Secrets has left irc (Another day, another smile, it was soooo worth it!)
T_J: Kaz: Got messed up, here...was answering the question, if I´d been involved with an able bodied or not
Lonewolf: sorry herbie no excess chat during meeting
herbie45: That's about as much relationship I think I'm gonna get into at this rate, and I'm not that young anymore.
Kaz: so whats the subject guys?
T_J: I don´t have your dis...
Kaz: so whats the list?
Lonewolf: relationships
Lily: i woudnt trade my quad for any AB in the world, its whats in the heart and mind that counts
Kark: Relationships
herbie45: Lonewofl, I really am not sure what you mean, explain? HOw am I out of line?
Lonewolf: see question I pasted in
Lily: i woudnt trade my quad for any AB in the world, its whats in the heart and mind that counts
herbie45: Lonewolf, I am discussing relationships
deadheadf: I don't know why people love me....but at least I know I'm loved
herbie45: Lonewofl, I don't see the question you pasted in.
Lonewolf: ok sorry
T_J: Lily, ever tried to train in order to get better?
Kaz: k relationships ta
Lonewolf: 5. Are you loved because of who you are inside or because of obligation
herbie45: what type of relationships are you talking about, or are you talking about all relationships
Lonewolf: don't understand T_J
suze: are we talking about only sexual relationships, or familial and friends also?
eve: without being concieted they accept me for who i am
Kark: Some of the relationships I had lasted longer due to obligation
wacky: I love my lily because she is who she is its that simple
Lonewolf: family, friends and mates
Lily: :))
T_J: Were asking lily, but I can ask her more about that later. =)
eve: i won't let them do it any other way
suze: ok, well, i think ppl like me for the person i am
In: wacky that is what my hubby says bout me
Lily: yup, same here, wacky
herbie45: well, the people who I have relationship with mostly love me cause they feel it's their duty, but there are a few who love me truly
T_J: I´m not loved because of of obligation.
herbie45: but with that love comes strings too
Lonewolf: 6. If you are alone, what do you look for in friends and a mate?
Lonewolf: strings can be hard to accept
Kaz: its hard to substain a relationship when you have no confidence because of a disability
suze: i look for ppl who i enjoy being around for friends
herbie45: I am single, I look for honesty, integrity, communication,
Kaz: or two
herbie45: strings are hard to swallow.
*** DaniG has left irc (Ping timeout for DaniG[cajun03-port51.cajunnet.com])
Lonewolf: yes kaz
wacky: Love be true shall have no stings for alas pinnochio I am not
Kark: People antisap
Lonewolf: ??
anny1: lol wacky
Kark: sorry I was typing ang slipped
T_J: Caring, honesty, all in all I see more to the personality of the girl
T_J: + more things too. =)
Lonewolf: yes
T_J: I mean in thev personality
suze: i'm looking for a man who is honest, fun, caring
Kaz: I have both disabilities as above which makes it hard to trust someone who may think he loves you or just feel sorry for you
Lonewolf: when I talk to some of the younger people they feel they ill never find a mate because od disabilty
suze: able b or dis, doesn't matter
T_J: About the same interests as I...
herbie45: I want to find someone who is truly interested in me as a person.
deadheadf: someone who lets me be who I am
wacky: sorry sue I am taken
T_J: suze: Right
suze: lol
Lonewolf: well I have no friends
herbie45: Lonewolf, I am now 46 and that applies not only to younger people
Lily: lol
suze: someone who wants to start a family
suze: that is important to me
*** In has left #Disabled-RT
Kaz: Why Lonewolf???
Lonewolf: outside of family and net
Lonewolf: they all split when I became disabled
Kark: LW HAS MANY FRIENDS
herbie45: I want someone to share with, and care about, and be able to admire their qualities
Kark: !
Lonewolf: on net yes
anny1: lw that is how i felt and then when i stopped looking for mate and decided to date for fun hubby camealong
Kaz: is it because youve been hurt too many times by people?
eve: adam found the perfect woman in eve
herbie45: how about those of us who have hidden disabilities, makes relationships harder because there are more expectations of us
wacky: well ...... sue cant help ya
Kark: I think everone here would be if they were closer
deadheadf: Lonewolf it looks like they were never your friends..
Lonewolf: its because my friends left when I cud no longer do things with them and for them
T_J: LW: Not me, I know I will sooner or later (I don´t know what you consider young, but anyway)
Kaz: yeah its usually the case
suze: herbie, i have a hidden disability and this concerns me
Kark: I am losing ability and am facing that to LW
Lonewolf: it is hard karen
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Lonewolf: I hide from places where Imight see old friends
T_J: Too bad Lw
herbie45: so people expect more of me and that is harder on relationships.
suze: yes, herbie, i am in the exact same position
Kark: This is why I fear relationships
herbie45: Lonewolf, I don't hide.
Lonewolf: 7. Take a good look inside and tell yourself what you see. Has being disbled
Lonewolf: changed your outlook on life?
wacky: i gotta go back hurts
suze: except i haven't been in relationship so do not know how it will go
Lonewolf: k bri
Lily: k
Kark: YES
herbie45: I can laugh, cry, think, be creative, etc. etc. etc., is that not enough to begin relationship?
Lonewolf: think hard on that one guys
Kark: to #7
wacky: I am a better person because i am a gimp
suze: certainly
anny1: you go wacky
Lily: yes
Lonewolf: how so bri?
deadheadf: LW I understand...when I started to use a wheelchair in public sometimes I was afraid to look at people I knew from school...I was afraid they would reject me
eve: i was always disabled but i had to learn to love myself before anyone else could love me
T_J: Don´t know, don´t remember how it was being able bodied
herbie45: being disabled has changed my outlook a lot. I have looked to my inner spirit and found some things out about me I never knew which have helped me tremendously
wacky: and I accept who I am and what i am as too who it has influenced me to be
T_J: Got my dis when I was one
Kaz: Ive thought many times about committing well you know because of my disability and the way it effects relationships and also friendships
herbie45: I use a scooter, and people who knew me before I used a cane and scooter don't think differently
suze: i appreciate much more my capabilities
anny1: being disabled as made me more introspective and sensitive
Lily: wacky is very centred
herbie45: Kaz, then don't you need to look to yourself first?
Kark: I think I am desensitised from it
wacky: once I accepted myself ppl found it easier to accept me
herbie45: In the process I have found some new creativity in me that I hadn't known was there before
suze: I have learned alot about my friends, how they have dealt w/me and how wonderful some of them have been
*** eve has left irc (eve)
Kaz: physically others are repulsed by my appearance
wacky: I am as I am and I am STILL here
Kark: I think I have been thinking to much about this all day
suze: i have some very good friends, i am truly blessed
herbie45: I know that other people tend to try to change me to their way, but I am not them.
Kark: Valentines day stuff everywhere
Lonewolf: being disabled has totally changed me
wacky: karen it does get hard
Lonewolf: e are all more sensitive to others I think
herbie45: I am limited by my condition but I am not disabled in many of the things I CAN do.
suze: yes, i feel the same way herbie
Lonewolf: I do not feel as self assured as I used to
Kaz: see i wasnt born like this it was like a cancer eating away at me with no cure
Woz: judy yes we are
suze: i do consider my life to be very rich
Lonewolf: max ho so?
herbie45: If you think of your disability as limiting you rather than what CAN you do, or exploring what you could do, then you will be more disabled.
Kark: If you knew me I am not a feeling sorry formyself kind of preson
Kaz: neither do i suzi
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Lonewolf: me either Karen but I do get really angry at times
wacky: I may be disabled but I am only handicapped by the conditions of my surroundings
*** Mooooooo has left irc (Local kill by Mooofasa (get lost))
herbie45: I'm always involved in community events, going with my service dog to schools and teaching them, etc. My life does NOT revolve around my disabilities.
*** Mooofasa is now known as Mooooooo
Lonewolf: Kaz could you explain your disease to us?
T_J: herbie: I agree
wacky: slceradema is a harden ing of all organs
herbie45: Lonewolf, it's okay to be angry to a point. What I do when I'm really angry is to allow myself to feel that anger for x amount of time, then do something constructive with it.
Lonewolf: not possible for me
suze: i am so filled w/joy. Tonight my friend's brother came to my house and dug my car out of the snow
Kaz: I have what i mentioned to you Parry Rombergs and Schleroderma must of been a dredful person in a past life
wacky: skin will look like hard shell
suze: i couldn't do that, but he generously offerd to do it for me
herbie45: Since I am homebound a lot especially during the winter, I look for ways I can use my creativity.
deadheadf: I think that the more you get out and deal with everyday normal people the more you realize that every one is screwed up in one way or another....Its the people who admit to having problems that can deal better with life problems
suze: it was such a great kindness and he would not accept money from either
Woz: you deeper in to people to see what thay are not what thay look like
suze: i accept help from others when needed
Lonewolf: yes max
herbie45: deadheadf, the people who cannot accept another person's disability are themselves disabled by their ignorance or their lack of knowledge.
Lonewolf: great suze
Lonewolf: yup
Woz: i think you also become more intuative
anny1: i agree deadhead
wacky: By all and remember I love being slightly...... unique I STAND OUT IN A CROWD so i enjoy it
deadheadf: right!!! herbie
Lonewolf: I can no longer get out very much and feel very dependent which results in anger
Kark: Yes but that is a large amount of the population herb
* wacky gives judi a magic hug
T_J: deafhead: Good point
herbie45: Lonewolf, I know that too. So during those times, I have to do something which helps me to feel better about my situation.
Lonewolf: my driver is a bit pregnant <g>
suze: yes, i know how u feel LW, on monday and tuesday i needed ppl to take me to doctor';s appointments
Kaz: Yeah i empathise with you all
suze: that is difficult, depending on them
Woz: then comes acceptance
herbie45: Kark, right, so being disabled involves the majority
CindyB: lol
CindyB: but getting better
suze: now, my car is free and i will be able to take care of myself
Kark: Yes LW, and I appologize if tonight mine has been showing
herbie45: Lonewolf, a bit? Either she is or she isn't lol
Lonewolf: Kaz I understand sclerderma
suze: but when i can't, i accept help
Lonewolf: but hat is the other one?
*** wacky has left irc (there HERE!)
suze: Parry Rom??
Lonewolf: she is def pregnant
suze: what is that?
herbie45: lol
Kaz: I have localised effected my whole left side of my body
Lonewolf: 8. Describe yourself listing good relationship qualities.
Kaz: suze do you have parry romberg i have that also
suze: easy, I'm fun, good listener, adventurous, good friend
Lonewolf: I'm gnna pick on preg family on this one
suze: no, kaz, LW was asking what that was?
*** anny1 has left irc (Happy Holidays)
Lonewolf: Cindy has good relationship qualities
Kaz: eats away at your body and in some cases it eats away at your face
herbie45: witty, intelligent, creative, motivated, determined, fun-loving, hardworking, realistic, shall I keep going?
Lonewolf: no lo self esteem huh?
Kaz: now you can understand why relationships are hard for some hey
MsAmazin: hehe..sounds like me :)
suze: lol, me too, i'm intelligent, creative, wild streak
Woz: lol
herbie45: Lonewolf, it was a long process and hard work for me to get where I am. But I am extremely self motivated, that is a big help
Lonewolf: I see myself as fat, dull and slow
suze: i'm a very positive person, that helps alot, i smile and laugh constantly
T_J: Caring, listening (emphatic), intelligent, houmorist...and so on, can continue for a long while...
MsAmazin: me too suze :)
Kaz: good thing i still have my face though lol
herbie45: [21:33] <Lonewolf> 8. Describe yourself listing good relationship qualities.
Lonewolf: 9. Describe yourself listing poor relationship qualities.
suze: well, i'm chubby, there's extra here to love
Lonewolf: true herbie-sorry
herbie45: Lonewolf, your description did not follow your quesiton, want to reanswr that one?
MsAmazin: I have no poor relationship qualities :)
Lonewolf: hummmmm
deadheadf: fat.....uh...me too....but ...smart..funny..independent...and a pain in the butt...but sometimes thats good:)
Lonewolf: I'm a workaholic?
T_J: Hehe, can´t think of any now...
Kaz: loyal
Kaz: giving
herbie45: stubborn, bullheaded, bossy
Kaz: caring
*** CindyB has left irc (Leaving)
Kaz: honest
Lonewolf: ok
herbie45: good ones are I'm a leader, committed to my work,
Woz: judi i am waiting as is herbie
Lonewolf: I am very honest
suze: lack of experience
herbie45: Woz, huh?
T_J: More positive things about me, honest, generous...
Lonewolf: yes I'm generous loving and caring
Woz: better
deadheadf: I'm blunt....demanding...and I swear too much
Kaz: pragmatic
suze: i'm demanding too
Lonewolf: On #8 I think a lot of us have fears of relationships
suze: and i swear too much sometimes too
herbie45: deadheadf, lol, I'm blunt too, and I'm opinionated, however I do agree to disagree.
T_J: If I promise something I´ll keep it
Lonewolf: me too T_J
herbie45: Lonewolf, fears is acceptable, after all dating has changed, even in the past five years.
Kaz: mtoo
Lonewolf: my biggest fear
Lonewolf: what if my hubby dies before me
herbie45: lonewolf, yes, that is a realistic fear.
Kaz: always rejection
Lonewolf: yes
suze: fear i may never find the right person for me
Kaz: fear of the unknown
herbie45: I have fears with finances
deadheadf: my biggest fear is that I will die without telling everyone I love that I love them very much
Kaz: oh yeah money
herbie45: fear comes with things that are more out of our control, so we need to find , if possible, things that ARE in our control
Kaz: how much longer can i work?? Mmm
herbie45: deadheadf, I had that fear but I took care of it.
deadheadf: I'm working on it
Lonewolf: 10. What do each of you really want in each of the three categories?
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herbie45: Lonewolf, woudl you mind stating those three categories are?
T_J: But is so many things beyond our control, I don´t believe in that...
Lonewolf: friends first
T_J: Wasn´t it family?
T_J: first
Kaz: contentment
Lonewolf: could be
suze: yes, what r three categories
herbie45: TJ, finding things that are in our control helps to counterbalance all the things that are out of our control, and helps us to feel in control of something in our lives.
Lonewolf: friends, family and mates
suze: o, i'm happy with all but i don't have mate yet
Kaz: health lonewolf
Lonewolf: very intuitive herbie
haa: gotta go, see you all later. bye
suze: that's the only thing missing in my life
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*** haa has left #disabled-RT
herbie45: Friends, honesty. Family, closeness. Mates, I want one.
T_J: I believe you can have an influence in most things
Lonewolf: yes
deadheadf: I want true friends....ones to stand by and ones that stand by me
herbie45: Lonewolf, again, it took me a long time, meaning a few years to get to that point.
Lonewolf: My internet work has filled a void inmy life
Lonewolf: oh yes carrie
Kaz: me too
*** In- has left #Disabled-RT
Lonewolf: well it is late and a lot has been covered
herbie45: Lonewolf, here where the snow flies and the ice is slick, etc. the internet has helped to keep in contact with people we would not have access to otherwise
Lonewolf: yes it does
herbie45: are we done now?
Lonewolf: does anyone have anything to add?
herbie45: Lonewolf, I'm just getting started, lol
MsAmazin: good meeting :)
herbie45: I think that each of us....
Lonewolf: thank you
herbie45: no matter how disabled....
Woz: hugs all
Kaz: its helped me to reach people who have a disability like me
herbie45: can find things in our owon life somehow...
suze: i just feel that it is important to find the positives in your life
herbie45: to help ourselves.....even inwardly
deadheadf: group hug????
Lonewolf: big group hug
MsAmazin: *hug*
Woz: yea
herbie45: uh, I don't do group hugs, I'm in too much pain
Lonewolf: ?me hugs all
suze: ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
T_J: There´s a lot to add but that would take very long, the most important have been said, I think
* deadheadf bbbbbiiiiiigggggg hhhhhuuuuuggggg
herbie45: Even cyber hugs hurt.
T_J: *hug*
Kaz: hope to catch you again lone wolf
Lonewolf: anyone need to comment on last week's goals topic?
suze: bye everyone
*** suze has left irc (suze)
Lonewolf: you too Kaz
herbie45: what was last weeks's goals topic? I wasn't here.
Lonewolf: setting goals for ourselves
Kaz: neither me
T_J: Neither me
T_J: Ok
herbie45: oh I've done that for a long time.
Kaz: oh k
deadheadf: med time bye
Woz: k
herbie45: Some days I can only have the goal to enjoy my space.
Woz: re hugs later
*** Woz has left #Disabled-RT
Lonewolf: well if that's all goodnight all
herbie45: but I set my goals on what I know I can do
T_J: I alrady set my goals. =)
herbie45: goodnite Lonewolf.
*** deadheadf has left #disabled-rt
Lonewolf: great T_J
T_J: Some of them anyway.
END

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