Created by and for people with physical disabilities.

Family Matters

Jan 14, 1998

This is an archival transcript of one of our past meetings. We don't have scheduled topical meetings anymore, but we're not opposed to the idea of bringing them back if someone is willing to commit to hosting them on a "long term" basis.

Participants already present:
  Mooooooo ([email protected])
  jrt ([email protected])
  HelloKit ([email protected])
* Mimi is back
Mimi: Raven!
Mimi: how are you?
Emmert: just had a bath
jrt: air con and fans still on:)
Mimi: ping me
Deb^: mimi! hi1
Mooooooo: hello emmert
Emmert: hi
Deb^: bad mimi
Deb^: of course, you won't get this yet
Deb^: dahhhh
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*** Deb^ has left irc (Leaving)
&Mooooooo: oh joy, the lag is thick tonight
Mimi: hello?
jrt: well it's okay over here I think:)
Emmert: never been here on wed.
jrt: Mimi you still there???
jrt: this is the first time for me too:)
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jrt: Hi Jo:)
Emmert: hi jo
Jo-: Hello Everyone!
jrt: how are you feeling?
Emmert: ok
Jo-: Had a good day. No new acute attacks.
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Mooooooo: hi jo!!!
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HelloKit: gggggrrrrrrrrrrrr
Mimi: hello?
Mooooooo: lag is ending i think
jrt: good:)
Jo-: Hello Mooooooo ferret says hi to everyone. His hasn't broke yet.
HelloKit: My stoopid (intentionally misspelled) modem locked up on me.
Jo-: HelloKit! smile
* HelloKit grins.
Mimi: hi to FF, Jo :o)
Emmert: how many of u have a family
Mimi: I do, Emmert
Den: Sheeeeeeeee
jrt: drop kick...
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Mooooooo: hmmm
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Mooooooo: the bots didnt do their job
jrt: no???
Mimi: hi wheelin :o)
Mimi: Amber! :o)
Mooooooo: Amber :o)
jrt: Hi Amber, Wheelin:)
Raven_: hmm...nice show of intellegence............
Raven_: MIMI
Jo-: Ferret is in shock! Didn't know that existed here. Welcome to world of disabled with idiots like him to make our day.
Wheelin: Hi Mimi, hi everybody...
HelloKit: Shoot... guys, we're having power problems. Nice timing.
Mimi: Raven :o)
Mimi: how are ya?
Emmert: 32
Amber: Hello, all
HelloKit: Daniel, I'm sending you the questions.
Den: well u can Moooo send him a realin for couple hours from server.
Raven_: was teaching someone how to use our irc, sorry...
Amber: I am happy.
Mooooooo: i just k-lined him
Den: lol
Amber: Just a good day.
Mimi: cool, teach him right :o)
Den: way to go
Mimi: great, Amber, I had a good day too :o)
Amber: Should I be Dancer?
HelloKit: I'll stay for now, but one more flicker and I'm gonna have to shut the computer off.
jrt: fix hi little red wagon
Mooooooo: stay Amber :o)
Raven_: her...best i could (not very)
Raven_: meeting tonight?
Amber: OK.
HelloKit: Yes, Raven, I'm getting there... ;o)
Amber: Yeah, bear with them.
Amber: Smile.
Raven_: lol, k
Diablo: what is todays topic
HelloKit: Now that all our problems are taken care of (I think)... are we ready to start?
jrt: family or something...
Amber: Look in your window bar, family matters.
Emmert: mimi i think your the only 1 with a family
Mooooooo: ready
Amber: Not the sitcom.
Amber: No, I have one to. We all do.
HelloKit: Okay, first question...
Amber: Parents, sisters brothers.
HelloKit: Has anyone ever had a problem with family members accepting you as a person with a disability?
Emmert: oh
jrt: no
Emmert: im single
Diablo: no
Jo-: yes
Karen_: no
Mimi: When I told the inlaws I had epilepsy they all got weird and uncomfortable with me
Amber: Hard one. But if I read you right, no.
Mooooooo: no siblings Emert?
Diablo: mine came up as a big accident
Mimi: now, I have a neice who delights in the saying 'don't have an epileptic fit about it'
Amber: Not good, sir.
Emmert: brothers
Diablo: although some family members treat me as an incopant fool
Den: Well yea in a way, mine don't understand the problems of illness that impare, same thing i guess.
Jo-: Think you are still supposed to operate as superwoman and do all did for them before no matter what happens to my health.
jrt: but I have never told my Mum and Dad
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Emmert: but there there out of town
Amber: Oh, they always say don't be spastic at school.
*** Karen_ has left irc (EOF from client)
HelloKit: Of course I don't remember this, but I'm told that my mother's relatives kinda shyed away when I was born. Mom had one cousin who was the only one not afraid to hold me.
Den: yea exactly the same Jo in a way.
Apehanger: HELLLO everyone:0)
jrt: Hi :)
Mooooooo: hi ape
Amber: Hi
Mimi: hiya ape :o)
Diablo: hello ape
Jo-: hi ape
Apehanger: It's snowing here... alot
jrt: my Mum and Dad are too old don't want to worry them with it
Raven_: ok, pizza box trauma occurred, sorry
Emmert: i was close to my parentst
Den: Well my mom is pretty steady, they are old too, butt my dad is a chronic worrier anyway.
Diablo: ohhhh i have those pizza box tramas all the time
HelloKit: I've always had a love/hate relationship with my parents... literally.
Mimi: haven't we all, Carly?
jrt: they would probably cope but they are 2000k awat and don't want to stress them out
Amber: I hear you.
Jo-: It is hard to get parents to accept problems. They want to make believe doesn't exist or feel guilty about them in some way.
Apehanger: Don't even go there!!
Raven_: we had company, anmd i was picking ove the leftovers
jrt: away
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HelloKit: How do you think a situation like this can be helped?
Den: Hahhaaa getting hungry already
Amber: Time, truly.
Amber: That sounds stupid but...
Mimi: I don't know...it's all too new
jrt: well I figure what they don't know won't hurt them
Emmert: never hated mom
Den: It sure does fix every thing, look at the Dinasaurs, fixed them good.
HelloKit: lol
Amber: sometimes, it's the only thing that works.
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Mimi: that's what I figured too, jrt, but then I found out that the day comes when it's unavoidable
Jettin: hi everyone
Apehanger: Hi Jettin
jrt: well my real Mother died when I was 15 1/2, this is my step Mum, but we treat each other like mother and daughter
Den: In excense, I don't like that belief, ur usually talking about a circumstance that you have no control over, so find something else to do.
Diablo: time i have found over the years may not cure everything
Jo-: The older parents get, the more worried about us they are. What happens when they are gone? Lots of pressure on them to.
Diablo: (but it sure does help you forget
Amber: Abled tell don't understand that we can't just say up yours and walk out when angry if they literally feed us.
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Apehanger: Hi Ray1
Ray1: Hi, all.
Amber: So you just have to wait and pray.
Mimi: wow Amber
jrt: Hi Ray
Diablo: hey i've told a few people the could shove it and to get out of my face
Amber: What?
Amber: But not your parents?
Apehanger: That's a pretty funny accent. Comming from Calif..:0)
Diablo: although they usally just come back in a few minutes and try to help out more
Ray1: Hi, jrt.
Jo-: Concentrate on ourselves and trying to be happy and take care of ourselves. Let them work out their hangups.
Amber: What, mimi?
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jrt: yes people have to accept you for what your are not what you look like
Jo-: We can't cure the ills of the world. We just have to try to do whats best for us and let them adapt.
Mooooooo: hi tracy
HelloKit: Tracy!
Apehanger: That's why they call it a family joe. Teamwork.
Red_: hello everyone!
Apehanger: Sorry ...Jo
Amber: You can feed yourself, though.
jrt: Hi Red
Emmert: hi red
HelloKit: In families where child abuse occurs, the disabled child is often the main recipient of abuse. Has anyone had any experience with this?
Apehanger: Hey yo..
Red_: hi jrt, hi Emmert
Den: no sure not
Mimi: I know, Amber, that's what I'm saying...I had never realized that before
jrt: no, but let me with the parents for a few minutes
Apehanger: I was living on the street when I was 15yrs. old..
Amber: In slight form, yes, and no more will be said on the question from me.
Mooooooo: my step-father was always mentally abusive to me
Diablo: hello red
Mooooooo: he hit me a few times but mom set him straight fast
Red_: hello Diablo
Mooooooo: but he still plays the mental games with me :o(
Diablo: i've never had that problem
Red_: tough subject!
jrt: I'm not going to comment any farther on this question, otherwise l'll mad
Diablo: just do something to him in his sleep that he won't ever forget
Jo-: Mother is really good at mental games and guilt trips. Even with her 75 and me 51.
Diablo: (because he has to sleep no mater who he is)
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Amber: That's when you learn to play back, bub.
Apehanger: Don't forget Diablo.. you too must sleep.
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iwiW: grrrrrrrrr
*** Mimi has left irc (Killed (NickServ (Ghost command used by iwiW)))
Apehanger: EEEEEK!!!!
*** iwiW is now known as Mimi
Jo-: But abuse can be stopped. We have to open our mouths and stop them. There are laws. And you can hang up the phone.
Diablo: well you have a small point there but who's counting
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Raven_: no, kittym but i've known others that have been abused
Jo-: Again these are our lives and our bodies, we have rights and we have to stand up for them.
Amber: That's when you start dancing. Confound them.
Apehanger: -42!
Amber: Even if we can't stand.
jrt: I just think it sucks and if I ever saw or heard about it, the parents (if you can call them that) would have me to answer too
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HelloKit: aaaaarrgghhhhhh
Mimi: wb :o)
HelloKit: Anyway, as I was about to say.....
HelloKit: I never experienced it, but a very good friend of mine was severely abused by her stepfather. It got to the point where when she turned 18, another online friend of ours flew up to Seattle and moved her down to California with him just to get her out of the situation.
Mooooooo: still together?
Den: Well I have found in my family favortizm among children is a inherited problem maybe, my dad was his moms favorite and thus my brohter my dads, any one ever deal with that?
Jo-: Gotta go take meds stop coughing. Catch you next week. God Bless!
Apehanger: Why all the hoslilities anyway??? Don't forget I came in on the middle of this.
Den: bye JO
HelloKit: They aren't a couple, more like a big brother thing... but yes, she still lives there.
Amber: Bye.
Raven_: verbal abuse is rathher common, i think
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jrt: not me, but John,s family is a bit like that
Amber: Yes.
Emmert: hey apeh how was it sleepin on the the street
HelloKit: Another form of abuse is the practice of using a person's disability against them, or taking advantage of their situation. Has this ever occured in your family?
Den: I c, well it is happening in mys sisters family too, her older son is her favorite, these seem to be handed down some way.
Amber: But it teaches you your own value, cause you suddenly find some other music to dance to.
Raven_: minor if at all
jrt: no definately not
Apehanger: NOT FUN at all.:0(
Amber: Same as raven
Amber: they enjoy the rent, though.
Mimi: my mom has used it as an excuse to keep me from going out or drinking too much
HelloKit: Mine is often used as a revenge tool... sort of what Amber was saying, if you say something someone doesn't like, you go without food, clothes, whatever it is you end up needing help with.
Apehanger: I lived and ate in garbage cans cold, hungry, broke, wired, scared...
Emmert: why did u do it
Raven_: ape, that's awful
Apehanger: Now what have you'all been talking about?
Den: oh gee Apenhanger
Raven_: abuse
jrt: can't you tell??
Emmert: i agree
Red_: yea, we are all dealt hands
Apehanger: But don't feel bad for me, I learned alot. Alot more than you will ever know or ever care to see.
jrt: there is always somebody worse off than yourselves, you find
Apehanger: YUP!!!!
Diablo: yeah you always find some one
Raven_: I'M SURE you did get 'STREAT-SMART'
Den: sure can jrt
* HelloKit nods in agreement with jrt.
Red_: it doesn't change the fact that it is sad
Den: What do u do now Apenhanger?
Apehanger: Hey! I'm not so bad off, after all I'm on the comp. w/all you people.
jrt: no it's terrible, thats for sure
Apehanger: I drive a semi O.T.R..
Den: Yea , good.
jrt: great
Den: I had CDL's till they took them for illness.
HelloKit: mmmmmmmmmm
* HelloKit smells chicken.
jrt: not mystical chicken i hope
HelloKit: lol nope
HelloKit: Has anyone ever had problems with their family being too over-protective?
jrt: yes
Mooooooo: oh yes
HelloKit: lol Raven
Red_: no, just the opposite
Apehanger: I'm a certified Harley Mech. a Machinist, Gunsmith, And best of all I'm a dad to 3 wonderful children, I also hunt, Fish, and watch the Packers win the Superbowl.:0)
Den: no just the oposite, pushing and demanding.
HelloKit: Den, don't get ahead of me here... ;o)
Amber: yes
Raven_: oh god yes, they even try to cut my food because i could stab myself...lol
Apehanger: Hey den why did you loose it?
Den: Well I love fishing.
Den: Sorry Kit
Mimi: yes...but I'm pretty sure that's not reserved just for parents of the disabled ;o)
jrt: i suppose it was hard for my family when I first lost nearly all my sight
HelloKit: This is true, Mimi.
Den: Been almost four years Ap
Apehanger: what happened?
Jettin: Over- protective is my families middle names
Den: Health Ap
Den: can't pass a pysical they take them
Apehanger: ok no need to go further.
Raven_: it's rather annoying
Emmert: where is every1 from
Emmert: ca
Jettin: Chicago
Raven_: Kentucky
* HelloKit is in Oregon.
Amber: they don't do it for anything but love, though, jet.
jrt: well I'm blind in my left eye and had a cataract in my right eye, was so bad couldn't read the print on paper, but had an operation and can now see, with help of glasses
Den: Kentucky
Amber: So am I, in Oregon.
Red_: CA
Amber: Where, hello?
Apehanger: Wisconsin ( Home of the Super Bowl Champs.97-98.
Raven_: no, really?
Wheelin: Wa
Ray1: CA
HelloKit: The Col. Gorge, Amber. About 4-5 hours from you.
jrt: Brisbane,Australia
Den: Yea good state Ap and great fishing.
Raven_: MSU
Jettin: Oh I know it is just a pain somtimes, Amber
Apehanger: yup, where do you live den?
Emmert: red wher in ca
HelloKit: hey!
Amber: I the.
Den: Kentucky, Appalachian Mountiains.
Amber: Agree.
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jrt: Hi Mako
Amber: Cool, are you a native?
Apehanger: I drive thru there once in a while..
Red_: San Diego
Emmert: sac
HelloKit: Me, Amber? No, born in Tarzana, CA.
Amber: Next question?
Red_: yes
Amber: Grin.
Den: WE are
HelloKit: On the other hand, some families may tend to pretend nothing is wrong, and push you to 'be normal', sometimes even punishing you for not being able to do something. Has anyone ever experienced this?
Apehanger: Devo
Raven_: Wash'te NAs
Amber: No.
*** mako has left #disabled
jrt: no
Jettin: We all know they mean well, but we have to make our own mistakes.
Amber: Not from family, pretty supportive.
Red_: yes
Apehanger: Thats life kit..
jrt: yes same here Amber, I'm lucky
Den: All the time now, but don't think they relize the problems.
Amber: You always know they care, whatever else.
Den: Kit u practicing ur Psychology on us in here lol
HelloKit: lol
Apehanger: I'ts a crude way of your rents wanting you to be the best, and to succeed..
Red_: I was 12 before I realized the cute guys were looking at the way I walked, instead of how cute I was!
HelloKit: That stings, Tracy. I know how that feels.
Den: lol Red
Amber: That hurts.
Red_: what a blow that was
Apehanger: If my daughter realizes that at 12, I'll lock her away,,..:0)
jrt: but really Red those 'cute' guys are usually the worst anyway
Den: sorry did u walk different, was out of place there maybe, wasn't thinking Red.
Emmert: how many in wheelchairs
Red_: now I know they are looking at me for my looks!
Amber: Me.
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jrt: not me
Wheelin: Well, time to head home... I'll catch some of you online later...take care folks...
Raven_: in chair here
Den: C ya Wheelin
Amber: Bye.
Emmert: i zam
Jettin: bye
Apehanger: see ya..
Mimi: bye Wheelin :o)
Den: Have a good one buddy.
jrt: Bye Wheelin
Red_: I walk w/a cane
Red_: bye
HelloKit: Which do you think is worse? Protecting a disabled family member from ever having to do anything, or pretending/forcing them not to be disabled?
Amber: Depends on which one you face.
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Diablo: i'm in a chair
Red_: both are bad
jrt: the second part
Diablo: sorry for not anwsering before
Den: the first one Kit
Mimi: I don't know
Diablo: but was away for a little bit
Raven_: toughy.......forcing
Amber: First.
Amber: Having or getting?
Den: U need to make these mutiple choice kit, print out nicley..;o)
Ray1: Protecting
jrt: and the first as well...
Red_: why even compare?
Apehanger: Unless that person can experience life to the fullest, and learn all tthat they can, both that you mentioned are the worst!
Jettin: Both!
HelloKit: I ask, because my bf's nephew gets one thing from one side of the family, and the other from the other side.
Apehanger: See I stutter...:0)
Emmert: bye
Apehanger: bye
Den: Both would be double standard, most families not capable of both.
Raven_: if you allow to be forced, it's your fault
Amber: I agree.
Red_: bye
Apehanger: Well he has to do what;s right in his heart.
Apehanger: oops
Diablo: don't have too much of that problem here
HelloKit: He's only 5 yrs. old.
Diablo: parents sort of let me go
jrt: no I think you have to be able to learn what you can and can't do
Den: Depends on the age about the force, may be to young to rebel in the rite way.
Emmert: might be back
Mooooooo: brb
Amber: Next?
Diablo: hey if anyone wants to know about or learn about rebeling talk to me
Diablo: i'm the guy for rebeling
HelloKit: His mom's side of the family really underestimates him... I mean, even though he can't talk, I know he understands a lot more than they give him credit for.
*** Emmert has left irc (Leaving)
jrt: l'll remember that Diablo:)
Apehanger: He still has dreams, wants, desires. Don't you think he should be able to exp. all that he can, to become a 'complete' person../
Diablo: yes he should
HelloKit: And his dad's side... 'When you gonna walk?' 'Why won't you talk to me?'
Apehanger: Well...There you go!
Diablo: you always have to hope for the best until you find out what your best is
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Diablo: then go a little further then that
Amber: What does he have?
HelloKit: Anyway, next question...
jrt: Hi Kitsman
Amber: Chris, hello.
KitsMan: hey yallll
HelloKit: Do you ever feel it's difficult to have any privacy from your family when you are disabled?
Raven_: ferret-face...lol
Mooooooo: yes
jrt: sometimes
Mimi: hi Chris :o)
Amber: I could write an essay.
Red_: no
Raven_: they barge in wheneve they're in town
Jettin: oh yeah
KitsMan: hey meme
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Den: OH god, I lost all that when I was became ill, home every thing, had to move in with my family, that has been devistating.
Raven_: den, i can sympathise
Red_: been there, hated it!
Diablo: i can't excatly get away when i want
Diablo: but i can always try top run away form home
Apehanger: That why you have #1 hopes, #2 dreams.. you can reach hopes easier than dreams.. so you never really get the whole effect on ambition because you always try for one step better,,, That's called being a fighter 'human'.
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Red_: Never lasted long at my parents house
Diablo: and scarethem a little in to leaving me alone for a little bit
Amber: Testing, my mouse is stuck.
Den: Well getting away is not the problem so much is just having a private life of anykind, feel like a criminal locked up with no say so.
Amber: OK, at least this works.
HelloKit: You're still here, Amber :o)
Mimi: hi Denise :o)
Apehanger: How old Den?
Amazin1: hi Mimi :)
jrt: well I've found since being on here I can control where I want to go and who I want to see, it kinda makes up for not being able to drive
Diablo: at times i wish i could drive
Den: 43 and have been on my own most my life.
Apehanger: ?
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Amber: I agree, den. I'm 20, though,
jrt: we have a storm with rain even:)
Diablo: i think that was a little clue there ape
Amber: have to see what's wrong, almost done.
Den: well at any age, its a tough thing if u have ever been independent.
HelloKit: What other issues have you dealt with?
Diablo: i wna to be independant
Amber: That was supposed to be a question mark.
Amber: Same here.
jrt: I was very independant till I stopped driving
Den: When u start loosing things because of health that u worked yrs for it is so hard.
Apehanger: Sorry I might come across as a little slow tonight been up since 01:00
Diablo: others treating me like a completely incopantnat
Amber: Working on it, but slow.
Diablo: and that ticks me off completely
Red_: I have been independent most of my life, and when I need help, my family disappears
Jettin: I agree
Apehanger: 42
Diablo: like some of the teachers treating me like i'm totally stupid or something
Amber: The meaning of life, ape? Smile.
Diablo: and in reality i'm a pretty bright student
Apehanger: Well that's why your a student..
Diablo: well all i've got to get off heremom needs to use the phone
Diablo: bye
Raven_: grumble
*** Diablo has left irc (Leaving)
Amber: Yeah, happens here.
Apehanger: Your not stupid just uninformed..
HelloKit: There was this substitute teacher that always completely ignored me when he was teaching in one of my classes. He thought I had my own 'lessons' from a 'special' teacher.
Den: What really got me once, my doctor walked up to my parents in front of me, I was in the hospital with a brain abcess, He said, well he's already had some strokes, with this his mental capcity will never be the same. I just shrunk, I whispered prayers of death that day.
Apehanger: Do you talk with Jesus?
Red_: oh Den...
Raven_: bb mims
Den: Do i talk with jesus?
Amber: Oh, I hate that, hello.
jrt: don't you hate it when people talk like you don't exsist
Apehanger: yes
Amber: Happens all the time.
jrt: they think cause I can't see good, I can't hear good either
Den: I believe in him as far as I can, but can say I have actually had a good conversation with the man.
Apehanger: I'm to big and to loud for that to happen.:0)
HelloKit: Well I'm off to dinner, everyone...
Amber: Hello, more questions?
Raven_: bye kit
Apehanger: I don't know you tell me.
Amber: I'm going too.
Apehanger: bye
Mooooooo: /:o(